Blinded [Neku/Namine]

[Neku Sakuraba]

Back at the apartment.

But something was very wrong.

I could feel the strain, could feel all of the strands still in my mind starting to crack. The only one holding was the one Izaya had thrown into my head just a week before.

My back was on fire. My whole body was on fire. I could feel the anger, the possession, the... the everything coming out, overwhelming me with me.

BUt that didn't make any sense.

But it made all the sense in the world.

I collapsed to my knees, crying out in my mind as another one of those headaches washed through my brain, the ones that felt like someone was taking an electric can opener to my brain.

All of the strands, except Izaya's single one, snapped at once. And I screamed.

Something was wrong. Something was wrong with my back. Something was wrong with me. I wasn't who I was supposed to be! This wasn't right!

I... what's happening?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

Stop! Just... just stop! Just....!

I felt myself scream again, trying to understand what was happening to me.

Izaya... what did you do to me...?

What did... what did he do to me?!

It was so confusing. Like my thoughts belonged to two people again. And it was worse than ever before.

'Hanging by a thread' had never had so much meaning to me.

My... my.....

I clutched my head, leaning against the wall, almost feeling like I was trying to press myself through it.

"What's happening to me?" I whispered.

[Namine Joy LeBeau]

I had been peacefully napping when a piercing pain broke through my slumber. Suddenly I feel as if my body is on fire, panic grips me and then... My eyes flash open, feet hit the floor and I'm out the bedroom door in a second flat, "Neku." Stopping a few steps from him I kneel down on my knees and reach out, placing a hand on his shoulder. "... Are you... What's... Neku?" I can't ask him if he's okay, I know he isn't. I can't ask what's wrong the panic tells me he doesn't know. All I can do is comfort him...

[Neku Sakuraba]

I looked up at her, desperation in my green eyes, and I clutched at her, scared.

My thoughts were all jumbled together, I was scared and I was just angry.

"I'll be okay," I assured her, even though I didn't have any reassurance to give. But I had to protect what was mine.

I was starting to sort out my thoughts from [/b]the rest of them, now.[/i]

"I don't... I don't know what's happening to me," I admitted. I hated admitting weakness. "And... I'm scared..."

My eyes flickered back to blue for a moment before turning green again.

"What did Izaya do to me?!"

Tears were falling from green eyes and the fear was always at the front.

But it was going to be alright. It was only hard because I didn't understand.

I'd understand what had happened soon enough.

Things will get better... right, Namine?

[Namine Joy LeBeau]

My arms wrap around Neku, trying to comfort him, trying to protect him. I smile to him, trying to keep an air of confidence and hope... for he has none to give. And I nod, "Yes, things will get better, Neku... I know they will."

[Neku Sakuraba]

"...Neku..."

I whispered the name. It was... it was my name. Yes. I could feel other parts of merecede. My eyes stayed green.

Neku. That's who I was. But... but I wasn't... complete. Parts of me... things I should remember... things I should be... my back hurt. Itched. That itch, it was familiar but...

I was out of the tangled strands, wrapping myself around that part of me that needed protecting from the truth of what was happening.

A truth I couldn't access. Because I couldn't remember. What had happened to me after that day? What had happened before?

I was... I was missing pieces. Lots of pieces. Pieces of who I was.

Pieces that... I couldn't... I wouldn't... remember or accept.

"Yeah... Yeah they will, Namine." I brushed her hair out of her face. "...Don't cry. I was scared but... I'm not anymore."

[Namine Joy LeBeau]

I blinks and then nod, holding him closer, "I can sense that, but, Neku... I am worried... You've already gone through a lot." And then I turn a bit before leaning forward and press my forehead to his gently. "I'm not going to cry... If you're okay, then I'm not going to cry, I promise." And then I touch our noses together before pecking his lips.

"But... Don't hold yourself back... Don't lose your fear on my account," I frown before smiling softly. "If... If you're actually accepting what's going on... Then I'm perfectly fine with this..." And then I pull back, staring him in the eyes, worrying and waiting.

[Neku Sakuraba]

How could I explain?

I didn't think of me and me as different people.

I was separated.

But still the same.

THe more I thought about it, the more troubling it was.

I felt weak this way. Incomplete. And I needed to talk to...

I couldn't remember who he really was...

It was strange.

But I shook my head.

"I... I can't really... explain it, Namine. I'm confused myself," I said. I wasn't really in balance. I was shoved to the background. But I was perfectly in control.

I looked to the ground, my green eyes frowning at the floor.

"I'm... it's getting worse, Namine, but the worse it gets the easier it'll be to make it better. But I have to protect myself." I put my head in my palm, then pinched the bridge of my nose. I get chronic migraines. "I need... I need to make things back the way they're supposed to be, but, I don't remember how I'm supposed to be. And the rest of me... the rest of me doesn't want to admit that things aren't the way they're supposed to me. I'm... I'm starting to admit it. But I don't want to acknowledge that things just... aren't right."

I frowned, glared at the ground.

"I'm not... making any sense..."

[Namine Joy LeBeau]

I blink and then hug him tighter, "No. No... I understand..." And then slowly let him go. "Neku... We're gonna get through everything and... And..."

Pause.

"... I... I'm sorry if I'm not helping all too much..."

[Neku Sakuraba]

My expression softened.

She was mine to protect. And she stabilized me.

I shook my head, gave her a soft smile.

"You're helping me, all of me, more than you could ever understand, Namine. I remember what the rest of me doesn't. I know how much you make me better because I know how badly I was doing. Tomorrow might not be so clear. But you're mine, all of mine; and all of me is yours. I belong to you. and it helps more than you could ever imagine."

I leaned in, kissed her on the lips. The kiss stabilized me, just as I knew that she did. I drank it in, the emotion of it, the pasion of it, and it soothed the anger not even I had realized I had been feeling.

I was doing worse than I'd realized, if I'd lost touch with my own anger.

I wasn't supposed to be the one in control. But Namine... helped me be controlled enough to be there.

I'd just need to keep away from things that would upset me. I had no desire to sink my claws into anything Namine would disapprove of.

[Namine Joy LeBeau]

I couldn't stop it, I shudder. It runs down my spine and I frown, "Neku." At least his anger is lowered. It could be worse. It could be better... But...

And I drag myself away from him, putting distance from us, scootching a little to do so. My gaze holds his and bite my lip, watching him, judging him, something just below my worry reacting... Positively...

After a short pause my head ducks and I keep my gaze to my knees, then pull then to my chest.

"... I can't keep you in check... I couldn't stop you from hurting --- I can't keep you from hurting anyone else."

[Neku Sakuraba]

I blinked.

"What?"

Then I understood.

"No, no, Namine. Don't worry. It's not your job to keep me from hurting anyone. Unfortunately, the part of me that keeps check on... this part of me... isn't working at the moment. I have to protect him the same way I have to protect you. ANd part of protecting you is protecting you, and everyone else, from myself." I gave an uncomfortable look at the floor. "I know I sound insane... but what........." The hole in my memory. I hated it. It made me weak, unprotected, if that person came back! "What... he did to me.... it broke me in pieces. As soon as I see him again.... we'll finish up the deal. And I'll be.... complete again." I shook my head. "I'm the part that I don't want to remember..."

[Namine Joy LeBeau]

"..."

You're WHAT?

My eyes widen and I stare at him, slightly scared, slightly concerned.

You sure do sound crazy! WHAT??

[Neku Sakuraba]

I gave her a smile, then spoke to her the way she'd spoken to me.

"I don't think of myself as separate from them, so it's hard for me to explain. But I'm the piece of Neku's mind that's been sealed away by the dark man, the one he remembers and I don't. When all but one part of the binding broke, the other half of my mind was in danger of breaking completely under truths it couldn't bear. Think of me like... Neku's id. I'm a piece of him that his conscious mind doesn't want to recognize. I'm only referring to him in third person to explain the separation... we're all the same person in here."

[Namine Joy LeBeau]

I blink in confusion, gaze snapping onto him. Then shake my head and frown, "You... You seem... Crazy... Sorta... Like... Multiple personalities... Its..." My head shakes and I bite my lip again. "... Kinda scary..."

I remember this.

I understand this...

This scares me.

[Neku Sakuraba]

I leaned over, kissed her again.

"Namine. Please. Don't be afraid. I can't feel your emotions but I can hear it in your thoughts. Someone's taken your memory just as surely as someone's taken mine; you don't understand why you're scared and that scares you more. Because humans like you are afraid of the unknown. And that's why you're scared of me."

I pulled away, allowing her to gaze into my eyes. A challenge. A threat. But she was mine, my mate, my wife - someday.

"Namine, I need you to understand. I will never, ever hurt you. No part of me will ever do you harm. Unlike the one who was removed from your memory. You are what I have chosen to protect, you, and this city. You don't have to ever be afraid of me."

I pulled her closer, nuzzled her hair. Even in this incomplete form, I could still protect her body with mine, frail as it was.

And I sent reassuring thoughts her way, wordless ones, images of our time together, the things we shared and might yet share.

"You've always been scared of me," I admitted to her, "but you never had to be. I was never angry with you."