Secrets Over Coffee [Shiki/Neku]

[Neku Sakuraba]

I paused... took a deep breath, nodded. "I disappeared because I felt like being the leader oft e Network was a lie. Like I'd been lying to everyone my whole life."

My hands lay out in front of me on the table and I examined them, detached. They were familiar, the same hands I'd looked at for the four years I'd remembered and they were my hands, but the slight psychic itch in my shoulderblades reminded me forcefully that they weren't really my hands.

"You can't imagine what it was like.... getting up in the morning, and looking in the mirror, and finding out that the reflection you've been looking at for years has suddenly become... somebody else. And knowing that this whole time, a majority of your life, in fact, that familiar reflection had been the lie, and this is what the truth is."

[Shiki]

She shook her head, "You're right on that, and I hope I never have to know that feeling."

Watching Neku a moment she placed her arms on the table and leaned forward slightly, "I doubt that it'll be an easy thing to get used to...maybe even to understand. But does it really change you as a person?"

[Neku Sakuraba]

I shrugged. "I guess not. But I also think that that's what I'm trying to figure out. For sure, there's things that have changed... even inside my own head. It wasn't just my powers that got sealed away when I was made human, it was.... there's so many things I just don't get about myself. Sometimes it feels like there's two Nekus, and I don't really know what to do about it."

I shook my head.

"And even worse... the other Neku, the part of me that got sealed away with everything else, the temper and the rages... it scares me, and worst of all, it scares Nami. I'm turning into Angel right in front of her and even if she doesn't remember him, it's pushing her away... she's dealing with so much right now, I can't tell her about any of this stuff. I have to be the strong Boss for her, just like she was strong for me when I needed her, y'know?"

I sighed.

"I dunno. Maybe it's stupid. Is it stupid? Even if it is, should I be doing this, something else? I can't pile my problems on top of hers and I can't be anything like that piece of garbage! The things I want to do to him...."

I suppressed the urge to dig my fingernails into the table - it would've been more effective with claws anyway, and I didn't have those right now.

"And wanting those things... makes me just like him. Do you understand?" I sighed. "Sorry. I shouldn't be throwing all this on you, either, especially since you've obviously got your own shit going on."

[Shiki]

Her eyes narrowed and slowly she brought her arms up so they were crossed. But her posture had changed from friendly to so dead serious that she was going to make sure he got every single word through his head.

"Neku Sakuraba," she started, barely holding back the pure anger she felt with what he had said, "Don't you ever compare yourself to Angel. EVER. You are nothing like him. You would never do that to Namine, as far as I know. So if you start talking and acting like you are, I'm going to take your ass outside and kick it to the best that I can."

Pausing, she took a deep breath and relaxed her tensed shoulders, "It's not stupid to be concerened. You just have to find the balance between helping her and helping yourself. You can't be just complete strength, it won't work and you'll push yourself too far."

Then she uncrossed her arms and folded her hands in her lap, "Doesn't bother me one bit. My problems aren't the issue right now."

[Neku Sakuraba]

The pure force of her anger slammed into me like a slap in the face, especially since it added an extra length of conviction to her statements.

"But..." I started, then stopped myself. I took a deep breath, forced myself to relax.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, Shiki." I took another deep breath, finished off my cocoa. "The truth is I'm scared and I have been for a while. Even before I knew what was going on. That time I kicked Angel's ass at Nami's party, I think. I think it's been since then that I've slowly been getting more and more scared - of myself, of what's happening, of what's going to happen. Then Nami ends up having her memories of Angel mysteriously disappear... I learn what I really am. And things are just getting more and more out of control. I'm used to riding a train of chaos and making it into something resembling order - but this is just different somehow."

I ran my hand through my hair. "Do you think it's working between me and Nami? I love her to death but I keep screwing up..."

[Shiki]

"No one said you have to be brave 24/7. Fear...it tags along everywhere. It doesn't go away easy either."

She calmed herself down, tilted her head to the side at his question. "I'd say nobody's perfect but that's been established in your mind already, I bet. Neku, I know she loves you. Mess ups happpen, but I don't think it's going to change anything about her feelings."

She stopped, nodded to herself and then said, "I doubt that reason has been fulfilled yet. If you two love each other, and you've stuck by each other through all this...then I think it's working fine."

[Neku Sakuraba]

I gave a relieved smile.

"Thanks, Shiki," I said, taking a deep breath. "I guess deep down inside, I really am just hte same old dumb Neku, right?"

[Shiki]

"Of course you are," she smiled and said jokingly "Haven't I been saying that? Took you long enough to hear."

[Neku Sakuraba]

I laughed. "Maybe so. Maybe so. Anyway... you listened through my problems and drama. If you want, I'm ready to listen through yours."

[Shiki]

"Heh," she looked at the ceiling, "I have no clue where to even start with that..." Sighing she looked back to Neku, "...You know about my uncle, right?"

[Neku Sakuraba]

I nodded. "I think I've heard at least a little about that... he's a demon, right? ANd he's been after you for a while, which is one of the reasons Mr. H took you in?"

[Shiki]

"Yeah," she found herself having to resist the temptation to twist her hair around her finger, "Truthfully, how that even happened is one big blur."

Shiki shook her head, "But he's been after me for a long time. I used to think he lost track of me, but I'm starting to doubt that assumption. Anyway, he was back in Urbadelphia a while ago and we had a bit of a reunion. And since then it's been a race to find out what exactly he wants with me. Just my luck, no one wants to spill what they know."

She sighed, "That, or that no one really does know. I have no idea what's been wrong with me lately. I'm just not...I'm more like the person I used to be some times and it's bothering me so much."

[Neku Sakuraba]

I nodded.

"Well... if there's anyone who knows what it's like to not know who you are anymore, you're talking to him," I said with a small smile. "I don't really have any good answers for how not to go down that road but sometimes, just knowing that you're not alone's a really powerful feeling. Shiki, one thing I learned is that, if you've got people who are always there and willing to stand by you, you cn accomplish so much more than you could on your own." I nodded. "And, if it helps your peace of mind any, I'll get some people on tracking down this Sin guy, see if I can find out what he's up to - and where he is."

[Shiki]

She laughed, but quickly stopped, "Sorry, had to laugh. Sora's been doing that for how long...since the whole Ifrit thing? Yeah, sounds about right. And he has gotten very little information about it. Sending other people out just seems pointless."

Shiki shook her head, "My parents won't give much, Sin isn't coming anytime soon, and Damon--" She cut herself off as something dawned on her. Her eyes narrowed and she leaned back in her chair, "Okay...I know for a fact I had no memory of this yesterday..."

Pulling a piece of hair back she sighed, "And another thing I guess I should mention; I'm having the weirdest trips down memory lane ever, but the thing is I feel like they aren't...how do I say this...like why didn't I ever notice them before? Because I didn't. I'd like to blame it on trauma, but I just can't."

[Neku Sakuraba]

"LIke they're things someone made you forget? Or like they're not actually your memories?" I asked, eyes narrowing.